WRESTLING IN HIGH HEELS: SUMMERSLAM 2017!
It’s that time of year again!
2017! Any WWE fan loves these PPV nights and probably plans their entire day around it. I know I did! Anyway, here are some of my opinions on the matches, best moments and of course, the fashion!
Yeah, I watch like a girly-girl—for the hot men and to see what everyone is wearing. At least I own it. I know very little about the moves, but I can tell you which wrestler has the best arms, ass and abs. (Roman Reigns, Chris Jericho and AJ Styles. It’s up to you to decide which one fits in what category for me.)
Anywho, the kickoff is about as exciting as the one for Superbowl Sunday, so I pretty much use this time to cook dinner and do laundry. When I finally do pay attention, I decide Carmella reminds me of Sharpay from High School Musical all grown up and as a WWE star. The hair, the looks, the voice, the attitude—she is SO Shapay. I wouldn’t even be surprised if she broke out into song. Watching her some more, she also has a bit of Ariana Grande going on….
Analysis and opinions on what will happen….yeah, I don’t pay attention to this during football, the Olympics or any other sports, so there is no need to now. Also, despite the sexting scandal (which, while skeevy, was lame AF based on what was said) Tom Phillips is an incredibly sexy man.
Happy birthday, Byron!
The USOs enter like they are part of a You Got Served dance competition and not the WWE Summerslam. They are dressed like—most guys I went to high school with in tank tops, hats and jeans.
They have WWE action figures? I don’t know of many little munchkins who watch and I can’t see many grown men collecting them, so I don’t get the point, but there are Bronies out there, so maybe they also like WWE? WWE Brony convention would be awesome!
The New Day guys look like a bunch of superheroes on an acid trip in bad leather unicorn outfits, capes, and really bad hair….WTF with the horns? But my boy Kofi Kingston is there and he is HOT and super nice. I met him during an event a few years ago and he is truly amazing.
Also, the green instrument reminds me of the blue French horn from How I Met Your Mother.
These two guys try to one up each other and basically say they are going to kick each others asses WWE style. Why are the New Day dudes thrusting their crotches like they are in a 90s boy band? Are they going to break out into Backstreet’s Back next?
This totally looks like the tough guys vs the nerdy guys fighting in high school based on how they are dressed.
Are they just going to run and jump around? Or are we going to actually see people fight? It looks like a bad rendition of West Side Story with more bitch slapping. In any event, it is quite entertaining and the USOs win.
Apparently, I should have been paying more attention during this pre-show—The Miz and Miztourage defeat Jason Jordan and the Hardy Boyz (which the latter will forever make me think of South Park—I think I’m getting a CLUE and those detective books) and Neville defeats Akira Tozawa which makes me think of the dude from Harry Potter leaving Hogwarts for a WWE career.
Now to the main event.
John Cena vs. Baron Corbin: We get a recap of Smackdown from last week and I’m actually glad because Real Life prevented me from watching. Fashion wise? Cena looks like a dude ready to do farm work in shorts and an armband—he also steals someone’s hat and I can’t be arsed to care as to why. Corbin is in black pants and a tank top so nothing too special there.
The match itself is just okay. Corbin steps on Cena, who had him in a chokehold and I have to say, they fight like they are on the Jerry Springer show. I’m half expecting the man himself to give his final thoughts.
I just want to know how these guys can even do anything after a match? I mean, I wouldn’t be able to walk after and I am in decent shape.
Annndddddd…..after an iffy match that honestly could have gone either way, CENA wins!
Natalya vs. Naomi: we get a recap of their past matches and get to their match—Natalya looks like the love child of a cosplay cat and a Dominatrix stuck in the 80s. Um….what in the hell with those sparkles and leather and Bedazzler happy monstrosity?
Naomi has some sort of glow in the dark neon outfit with her infamous neon hair….um, was I transported to the 80s in this match? I know she is known for her ‘glow’ but wtf with her outfit….
Anyway, I can’t seem to really get into this match. I’m not sure if they are being extra annoying tonight or what, but I just can’t seem to get myself to pay attention to them. All I know is Natalya wins and I have a wicked headache from those outfits.
Big Cass vs. Big Show: Enzo is dressed like a sports star and enters via a cage in the ceiling. His hair and beard are so distracting…..its like a reverse ombre with the beard matching the dark….
Anyway, Cass knocks them both out and wins the match.
Fashion for our boys? Big Cass is shirtless and in tight black Speedo type shorts with knee pads and Big Show is in a black and grey unitard with knee pads. Both rock black shoes and socks. Nothing exciting, but nobody should ever attempt the unitard.
Randy Orton vs. Rusev: Randy is in a leather Speedo with an open hoodie with the sleeves cut off—all in black. He also rocks the obligatory kneepads and shoes. A leather speedo….with silver designs….but oh my damn those abs….oh. my. damn.
Rusev rocks a blue and burgundy speedo with the same kneepads and shoes. Is it me, or does this match seem a bit all over the place? Randy wins, but there was something very off and weird about this match.
Sasha Banks vs. Alexa Bliss: Sasha looks one part Vegas show girl, one part Nicki Minaj and a whole love of 80s mixed in. I know that this is a thing in wrestling, but it is giving me a damn migraine! Alexa’s black and pink sparkle and leather outfit is a bit better and if it covered more and was not leather I would actually wear it. I kind of like it!
Anyway, not impressed with this match either…it’s like a lame-o high school fight. In fact, high school fights were probably a bit more interesting than this. Sasha wins.
Finn Balor vs. Bray Wyatt: I don’t even know what to say about the Medusa/Kiss lovechild over there….at least Wyatt i in regular street clothes. His dreads remind me of a friend of mine who used to rock them like nobody’s business. At least Finn takes the Medusa wig off, so now he looks like a hot guy trying to channel Kiss for Halloween.
These fights are getting worse and worse. I am literally rolling my eyes at this. Finn wind and I don’t really care at this point.
Sheamus & Cesaro vs. Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins: Are Sheamus and Cesaro wearing kilts? Um, I don’t even know what to say about all this. Seth’s outfit looks like what I’d imagine Richard Simmons would wear on a wild night out and Ambrose looks like any other dude his age in jeans and a hoodie.
These matches are getting worse as the show goes on. Usually, we see something decent when it comes to fighting, but tonight seemed like it started out strong and went downhill from there. I have to say that there wasn’t anything impressive about this until the end when Sheamus and Cesaro really pick up the pace and seem as if they are going to win it all. However, that reverse changes the game completely and we see Ambrose and Rollins snatch the title—not sure if the stepping on them is really all that good, but it helped get them the win, so there’s that.
AJ Styles vs. Kevin Owens with Shane McMahon as guest referee: Kevin is in red and black rain boots, a KO black and red tank with matching shorts. AJ is in black pants, mismatched shoes, a leather vest and black tank top, all with US flag emblemed lettering and designs.
Kevin really seems to be on his game tonight, he pretty much served AJ his ass on a platter. Then it gets into what’s pretty much a bitch slap until KO once again gains the upper hand. AJ recovers quickly and manages to gain control of the fight and knock KO down. They both end up on the side of the ring and it seems as if they knock each other down.
This continues for awhile and KO gets reprimanded for going after the eyes and SHANE gets knocked out of the ring?!?!?! What? Isn’t that, like, not right? Then AJ goes after Shane. What in the hell is happening right now?
KO and AJ keep using the ring to fight and it seems like this match is going to last forever. It finally looks like KO won, but Shane says that is a no go.
AJ finally gets some leverage and pins KO, sealing the win of US Champ!
Jinder Mahal vs. Shinsuke Nakamura: WTF with all this leather, Nakamura? I would think it would be uncomfortable AF to wear in the ring and those fringes? 1989 called, they want their jacket back.
Jinder is in a yellow and silver speedo with flowers on the front and an emblem in the back with a head scarf and yellow and black knee socks. He is muscular AF….whoa…. (I keep wanting to write Jinger, but remember the Duggars aren’t in this, probably don’t know what WWE is and would think it was evil. Nothing wrong with it, but it made me wonder if they even know about pop culture.)
Dude, are we dancing or fighting? I think they aren’t sure if they are at Summerslam or on Dancing With The Stars….based on those outfits, it could go either way. I am not impressed with this match at all….picture me doing my best Makayla Maroney face. Mahal wins the WWE Championship.
Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns vs. Braun Strowman vs. Samoa Joe: Braun is in a black muscle tank with patchwork pants and boots. Samoa Joe is in black and red gym shorts, black socks and shoes….are they socks? I don’t know or care at this point. Roman is in a black tank with a red emblem, black boots and black pants, which is too many clothes….just my opinion. Brock is in black shorts advertising for Jimmy Johns? i don’t get it, but I could really go for one of their subs right about now.
It totally looks like street fighting to me, I was seriously expecting so much more from all of this. SO MUCH MORE. However, Samoa Joe is dominating this fight. Braun isn’t doing too bad himself…that power slam through the table…..I am shocked with how much Braun and Samoa Joe are dominating this.
Did Brock get hurt? It looks like that slam really hurt him because the refs are checking him out and he can’t seem to move—so let’s throw a table on him….okay then! There are so many people around him now…holy shit…..he is in an ambulance….he is really hurt….holy crap, I hope he is okay!
Now there is a decision to be made….to continue or not to continue? Braun and Roman continue to fight, so I guess the show must go on? Roman hits Braun with stairs and now Samoa Joe is in on the action and almost wins it all….but Roman is back up to fight and almost has it himself, but Samoa Joe gets back in, as does Braun…now it can truly be anyone’s game.
Wait—Brock is back? I am glad he is okay, but totally didn’t see that coming. He just got back into that ring, and is kicking ass and taking freaking names!
This whole thing is going to kill me—holy crap, Brock is killing it. Roman and Samoa are trying to keep up but aren’t able to do much—Roman is able to last the longest, but he is still no match for Brock, who defends his championship!!
And Bob’s your uncle, we are DONE! Another Summerslam is in the books. See you for the next PPV!