Wrestlemania In High Heels: Wrestlemania 34 Recap

Happy Wrestlemania 34!  Tonight I will be recapping the big event from my big comfy couch…giving my snark, insight and commentary as per usual. I will also do my own Fashion Police on these outfits. Be sure to tune in to my videos throughout the event on Facebook!

* WWE Intercontinental Championship Match: Champion The Miz vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Bálor.

The Miz….that outfit—seriously, WTF? He looks like the love child of a Dancing With The Stars troupe dancer and Michael Jackson….with a bit of Liberace thrown in for fun.

Seth Rollins fares better with his basic tank and pants.

Finn….Speedo, high black boots and an open shirt—all with a rainbow motif somewhere on them….but those abs are what make the outfit….hot damn!

I originally planned on doing a post on what each of these matches mean, but life got in the way, so hopefully it will happen some other time.

The Miz removed his jacket and is now in a Speedo as well. Seth is also shirtless now.

As for the actual match, The Miz is incredible! He basically just handed Finn his ass on a silver platter. Then Seth comes out and completely kicks ass and takes names….until The Miz gets his hands on him….and completely  takes him out.

It looks like there is going to be another win for The Miz….when Seth comes back into the ring and knocks him down.

Whoa…Finn really made a comeback by taking Seth down.

Right now, it looks like it can be anyone’s game. Just when you think it is over, another move is made and the match continues.

Clever move by The Miz when Finn was straddling the side of the ring, but damn, that had to hurt!

The Miz also looks like he is in pain, but so far, nobody is giving up.

Good gravy, this match keeps me guessing and on the edge of my seat.  Every time I think there will be a win, there is another surprise.

I had to rewind this part to see it, but that last move and pin by Seth? EPIC!!!

Congratulations to our new Intercontinental Champion SETH ROLLINS!!

* Smackdown Women’s Championship Match: Champion Charlotte Flair vs. Asuka

I must admit, I kind of tuned out during these matches and mostly focus on the fashion…but I am curious to see where this goes tonight.

Charlotte looks like Elsa got a job as a Vegas showgirl. She also inspires me to go to the gym again.

Asuka looks like the love child of Elton John and a Disco version of a Rainbow Brite Color Kid.

I’m probably the only one who thinks this, but these matches always remind me of Dynasty Alexis/Krystal fight.

Ohhh, it looks like Charlotte got hurt? She seems fine, but not fighting as tough as usual, giving Asuka a big advantage. However, the advantage is short lived when Charlotte has  huge comeback….holy crap, these women aren’t playing tonight. Each time you think one is going to win, the other one pulls some other move out.

At one point, both women are down, but they both get up and keep on fighting.

This is intense…some of these flips are incredible. I have to say, this match is quite exciting.

After a bunch of anticipated moments, Charlotte WINS the Smackdown Women’s Championship Match with an incredible pinned down move that had everyone cheering. CONGRATS!!!

* WWE United States Championship Match: Champion Randy Orton vs. Bobby Roode vs. Jinder Mahal vs. Rusev

Kinder Mahal looks like he is Magic Mike during Solider Night.

Randy is in a leather Speedo and boots….as are Bobby and Rusev.

I am not a huge fan of these matches because they are very hard to follow, but it is still fun to watch.

Whoa….that was finished mad quick…like…blink and you miss it quick! Jinder Mahal wins the WWE United States Championship Match…Congrats!!

Mixed Tag Team Match  Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey vs. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon

Nice Leader of the Pack entrance there, buddy!

Triple H and Stephanie are married? How did I not know this?

Ronda is in booty shorts and a Rowdy sports bra, Stephanie and Triple H are in leather and Kurt is in an American flag getup.

Stephanie and Triple H are dominating this match! Like…completely dominating.

Ronda seems to be holding her own and not doing half bad for a first time WWE fighter. She really gets into Stephanie with her punches ends that throw! However, Stephanie gains momentum and lies into Ronda…who just keeps fighting back.

As for the men, Triple H is dominating.

The women are really the ones to watch, though.

In the end Ronda and Kurt win the  Mixed Tag Team Match! Congrats!

What the hell? Pancake midgets dancing? The Dragon Dagger playing? WTF?

* Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match: Champions The Usos vs. The New Day vs. Bludgeon Brothers

It looks like clowns vs. Death/crackhead Ewok and Men In White for the entrance …wow.

To be honest, this match is pretty unimpressive so far. It’s not that it isn’t good, it is just that after that last match, it is a bit if a letdown.

The Bludgeon Brothers win the Smackdown Tag Team Championship Match! Congratulations!! 

THE UNDERTAKER IS HERE!!! THE UNDERTAKER IS HERE!!! OMG OMG OMG!!! 

John Cena looks calm while The Undertaker plays the guitar and sings.

Once the match begins—after  HUGE buildup, BTW, I cannot even recap because my jaw is on the floor. Seeing The Undertaker return is incredible in itself, but it is literally like he never left. John Cena is holding his own, which is quite impressive.

While the match was a bit too quick for my liking, THE UNDERTAKER WON! CONGRATS!!

Tag Team Match: Shane McMahon & Daniel Bryan vs. Sami Zayn & Kevin Owens

Daniel looks like he forgot to put pants on (until he takes his shirt off), Shane looks ready to play baseball, Sami and Kevin look basic…in tight pants and a tank.

OMG Daniel is hurt!  Shane is not faring much better and is pretty much getting his ass handed to him on a platter. He tries to hold his own, but it doesn’t seem to be happening.

This match seems endless and a bit boring to be honest.

Holy crap, what a comeback—Daniel and Shane ended up rising above and winning the match. Congrats!

Raw Women’s Championship Match: Champion Alexa Bliss vs. Nia Jax

Their outfits consist of sparkles and leather, because why not?

Nia pretty much dominates the entire thing, but Alexa seems to hold her own for part of it. If nothing else, she looks hot AF and inspired me to start my workouts again.

Nia Jax defeats Alexa Bliss!! Congrats!

I loved that speech about how Nia is an inspiration for every person who has ever been bullied. She really is and I thank her for being  a role model.

WWE Championship Match: AJ Styles vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

Shinsuke seems to be channeling Michael Jackson.  AJ is in metal, spandex and leather.

I must be getting sleepy because this match is so boring. I am seriously tuning in and out of this.

AJ Styles defeats Shinsuke Nakamura! Congrats!

Raw Tag Team Championship Match: Cesaro and Sheamus vs. Braun Strowman and Nicholas.

I will be honest, I totally dozed during this match.

Braun and Nicholas win and it is so sweet to see his son carrying the belt. Congrats!

WWE Universal Championship Match: Champion Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns

Roman is in leather—too many clothes,  to be honest. Brock is wearing shorts advertising Jimmy John’s.

Roman, do you really want someone advertising for Jimmy Johns to defeat you? REALLY?

Roman is hurt, but Brock doesn’t care and continues to fight him.

OMG, ROMAN! Get it the hell together!!

Okay, that last throw was pretty amazing.

This is beginning to be embarrassing to watch. I can fight better after three margaritas, Roman…come on, son!

Brock wins, which is no surprise.

Someone was bleeding at the end, but at first, I thought one of them had the Hershey squirts.

That’s the end. Thanks for tuning in.

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