Football In High Heels

Sports, entertainment and life with a side of snark.

The Bachelor Recap for 1/21/19

Tonight is the third episode of Colton Underwood’s season of The Bachelor on ABC. The remaining ladies will have a chance to go on dates with Colton and get to know him better while vying for a rose. Some will be chosen, others will go home heartbroken.

Date 1: Courtney, Demi, Tracy, Caelynn, Katie, Heather, Hannah B., Kirpa are on this date. (Information previously obtained by Reality Steve.) It is a pirate themed date that is basically the same concept of Medieval Times. (Good ole’ Reality Steve said this initially and I have to agree.) In the grand tradition of these types of dates, the girls learn the act and then perform with Colton. They are also dresses as pirates. Okay, I’ll admit it is pretty cool. Except that the theme is competing with Captain Colton’s heart. That’s lame and kind of overplayed.

To be honest, I kind of tuned out during the actual performance. It was cute, but nothing we haven’t already seen before on the show. It was just a different theme.

Hannah B. and Caelynn’s drama seems like it is going to come to a head because they have already mentioned it no less than fifteen times. Okay, maybe not quite that many times, but enough times.

At the after party, the girls take turns talking to and making out with Colton. Demi hopes the other girls crash and burn. She thinks that the pageant girls (Caelynn and Hannah) are thinking that there can be only one of them left standing and she seems to think the other girls are catty. Pot, meet kettle?

Demi also makes fun of Tracy for being a cougar. She also plans to do whatever it takes to get the group date rose. She even goes so far as to blindfold him and spank him and did I turn on a parody of a Fifty Shades of Grey? There is also a fake hand involved and I don’t even know what to do with this information. It reminds me of the robot hand Howard had on the Big Bang Theory.

Courtney thinks Demi is acting a bit extra and pulls her aside to let her know. Demi is not impressed. Also, up until this moment, I had no clue there was a girl named Courtney on this season.

Hannah tells Colton about her falling out with Caelynn and it just comes across as mean girl drama. Sheesh, Mary, Joseph and Ralph! STOP ACTING LIKE A HIGH SCHOOLER! I SEE MORE MATURITY WITH MY FRIEND’S PRESCHOOL AGED KIDS!! Colton is not impressed and Hannah is left confused and frustrated. Then Colton tattles to Caelynn about what Hannah said and I practically headdesk until it is over because it turns into a whole he said/she said game. Or a she said/she said game. Sweet baby justice!

However, Caelynn gets the rose so, woo?

As an aside, she reminds me of Britt from Farmer Chris’s season. I don’t know why.

Caelynn is crying and Demi says she doesn’t have to share why, but seems like she actually cares.

OMG are these girls still whining over this? I once had a guy I had an even worse falling out with become my BOSS and we had less drama. Mostly because we worked in different departments and avoided each other like the plague…but you know, semantics.

Date 2: Elyse gets the one on one date. They fly to San Diego to visit Belmont Park, where they are greeted by a bunch of cute little munchkins for a day of fun. It’s actually really cute, especially since the little girls say some of them watched him on TV with their moms and others were not allowed to. I think these little girls are more smitten with Colton. They are at least a lot more mature.

At dinner, she talks about how her sister was diagnosed with cancer during her pregnancy. Her sister ended up dying and it changed her life forever. They have the baby in their lives and started a charity in her honor. I am in tears now because my heart is breaking for her, yet melting because they have the baby and charity. It is a weird mix of emotions.

She gets the rose and a kiss. They also see a concert by some random band called Tenille Arts. I’ve never heard of them. Everyone cheers as Colton and Elyse enter the room and then when they begin dancing. I bet a million dollars and my Michael Kors boots that none of this would happen in real life….to any of us. EVER.

Date 2: Cassie, Caitlin Onyeka, Tayshia, Sydney, Nicole, Nina, and Catherine are on this date. Once again, thank you Reality Steve!

Colton is shirtless and it seems like this date is going to be a feat of strength, minus the Festivus pole, airing of grievances (only because Demi, Hannah B and Caelynn aren’t there) and donations to the Human fund. However, we do get Terry Crews and his wife, so there’s that.

Basically, we are watching the girls work out. Fred Willard is also on hand to judge an obstacle course with Chris Harrison. Onyeka wins.

Later that night, the girls take turns spending time with Colton to talk with him and of course, to make out with him.

He ends up friend zoning Caitlin and sending her home. He feels bad because he thinks she is incredible….and wonders if he is making a mistake. She says that other girls aren’t there for the right reasons….like she is.

Nicole gets the rose.

There is a pool party instead of a cocktail party, where the girls spend time with Colton in their bikinis.

OMG, more of this pageant girl drama…you both sound like petty high school mean girls. Stop it. BOTH OF YOU!

That was a colossal waste of time.

Rose ceremony:

Caeylnn: Rose from date 1.

Elyse: Rose from date 2.

Nicole: Rose from date 3.

Hannah G: Hannah without the drama.

Tayshia: I forgot she was even here!

Katie: Who?

Cassie: Blonde girl.

Kirpa: Another one who barely said 3 words tonight.

Sydney:The dancer?

Demi: Public enemy #1.

Tracy: The cougar according to Demi.

Courtney: Called Demi out on her BS.

Heather: Blonde virgin, never been kissed.

Oneyka: Won feat of strength.

Final Rose Tonight:

Hannah B: Hannah with the drama, Caelynn’s enemy.

Eliminated:

Caitlin: Eliminated on group date 2.

Catherine: Former mean girl with a dog. At least Colton gave a shout out to her dog?

Bri: Fake Australian.

Nina: Someone who randomly showed up for this rose ceremony,only to get rejected.

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