WWE Raw Recap and Snark for 3/18/19

You guys! I finally watching WWE Raw on a Monday night LIVE! Usually, I  am working or recapping another show, but tonight I have no obligations other than watching Raw, making fun of what everyone is wearing and ogle the hot men.

Brock Lesnar enters the ring. Before we get to. HimPaul Heyman has to be snarky for awhile. I want that job!! Snarking on WWE? Sounds like a sweet gig…..oh wait…that is my gig,but I am not making the big bucks.

Anyhoo….Drew McIntyre comes out, gives Brock what for and then gets his butt kicked by Seth Rollins. With a steel chair. Multiple times. I’ve always wondered how these guys can function after these matches.  Geez.

Lesnar then goes  up the ramp with his title held above his head because of course he does.

Bobby Lashley and Lio Rush enter the ring to make fun of Finn Balor, who will have a mystery opponent tonight. They basically give it awaywith their monstorous clues…it is Braun Strowman. It took me five times  to write his name because it kept autocorrecting to Snowman….which led to me singing Do You Want To Build A Snowman….which led to me changing the words to Do You Want To Get Your A$$ Kicked….which led to me thinking of a WWE version of Frozen. No, I have not been drinking yet. I’m just tired and my mind wanders towered places.

Thank you, Head and Shoulders,  but your promo made it difficult to focus on the fight.

Now that we are focusing on the fight, Finn looks like he should be a back up dancer in Christina Aguilera’s Dirrty video. Lio looks like a little kid compared to Braun…and that four way crash had me rolling. As an aside, Lio has some nice tattoos.

OMG, is he running away Burton Guster/Shawn Spencer style?

Okay,that kick in the head when he was trying to get back in the ring was a pretty  clever move.

Sorry,but Braun just looks like he is carrying a kid throwing a tantrum out of a grocery store.

Finn and Braun win….although, I feel like most  of that win was thanks to Braun.

I covet Alexa’s black outfit….just saying. Elias joins her to make announcement that he is the headlining musical act for Wrestlemania. He says his performance last year is the reason for all of this….and if anyone interrupts him….

He ends up getting interrupted by a Conga line which is random AF, but those outfits! It reminds me of a Vegas costume party. Elias pushes Otis down and then Jose, in an interesting disguise challenges Elias to the next fight.

Between the Conga  line people in costumes at the side of the ring and Jose’s green hair, this seem like a Vicodin Land WWE match. The Conga lline dudes are cheerleading and I cannot stop laughing.

Also….wrestling in jeans seems like it would be REALLY uncomfortable, just saying.

Elias wins!

Kurt Angle announces  that he is competing for the last time at Wrestlemania. He announces that he got to pick his opponent and there is only one person he wants too go up against, the one who made his life a living hell…BARON CORBIN!

But first….he must face Chad Gable. The two of them look like they are going to a 4th of July costume party at Richard Simmons’s house.

Is he wrestling him or giving the Hemlech Manuver? I feel like this is all the fight is….sheesh. For someone prepping for his farewell match, this isn’t  very exciting.

Angle wins with an ankle lock….but for awhile there it looked like Gable was going to win.

Corbin says he is going to humiliate Angle in his final match, the one everyone will remember.

We have some moments from last week,including Roman Reigns returning to the ring after six months and I kind of wish I would have recapped this last week instead of The Bachelor.

Sasha Banks and  Bayley enter the stage with their championship belt.

WTF is this some 1980  car wash music video set up? Between the blowy dolls,the colors,the OUTFITS, the little character  hugging herself and that hair, I feel like I need to break out my crimper and jelly bracelets.

They are making a special appearance on Smackdown tomorrow and have plans for Wrestlemania. However, they are interrupted by Natalya and Beth Phoenix. Natalya looks like she raided a Victoria’s Secret show sponsored by 50 Shades of Grey.

The women face off and Beth says she will step out of retirement to stand by Natalya’s side at Wrestlemania….and face Sasha and Bayley.

The women continue to face off and somehow,as tough as they are,they are still more  dignified than the women at The Bachelor: Women Tell All.

Let the match begin! As they fight, Nia Jax comes out to give some sass  to Beth.  As she talks Tamina comes out and gets the girls from behind. Nia says they will see the ladies at Wrestlemania.

Well damn….no one won then? Granted, it wwas an impromptu match, but still.

Next up is Ricochet vs.  Mahal. The sexy vs. the sexy. The Singh brothers are outside the ring and wearing sparkles and scarves for no apparent reason. The handsprings  look Iike Ricochet is channeling his inner Shawn Johnson, but it gets him to win, so yay?

Ronda Roousey is up against Dana Brooke. Dana looks like she stole an outfit from the Dominatrix Disco Barbie collection. Ronda Gets Dana into a hold that has her SCREAMING in pain. She wins, but then ends up fighting with….everyone? Geez and crackers,what is wrong with her? Then her husband gets in on the action? WTF with all this anger and fighting with everyone.

Dana really  looks like she got hurt. They seem to want to call medics to see if she is ok. Damn….they will update us later on WWE.com.

WOW, WWE Raw beat The Bachelor, NCAA and The Voice last week?

Baron Corbin vs. Apollo Crews. Who knew there was another hot guy named  Apollo out there?  Apollo wins!

Batista wants to end Triple H’s career…or so he says during a live satellite message. Honestly, I don’t care. They will face each other at No Holds Barred  at Wrestlemania.

Braun is doing the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle  at Wrestlemania.

Drew is back! Roman is not medically cleared to fight tonight,but that doesn’t stop Drew from talking smack on him. He then challenges him to a fight in Wrestlemania. Of course. Also, Drew looks like he should ride off on a motorcycle to the song Leader of the Pack. He is taking this a bit far, but I guess all part of the show?

Seth says this is why he did what he did to him. They begin to fight and they just look like high school boys fighting over a cheerleader, especially when the other dudes join in.

Finally, the match is getting somewhere! The chair, both of them outside the ring, the bouncing….this is my favorite one of the night. Every time you think it is over….surprise! It isn’t.

As an aside,that is a sexy leather Speedo Drew has on….just saying.

DREW WINS, thanks to Brock becoming a distraction.

That is a wrap for tonight. I am still getting used to recapping this again, so apologies for it not being very good.  I’m going to try to recap this and Smackdown as often as possible, depending on work. Ciao!

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