FOOTBALL IN HIGH HEELS: SUPER BOWL 50

FOOTBALL IN HIGH HEELS: SUPER BOWL 50

Broncos vs. Panthers. Tonight is the big game and one of them are about to be crowned Super Bowl Champions. I will be bringing you the highlights with my commentary, (read: I have no clue what the hell is happening, so writing what I see/think is happening) so sit back, relax and have fun!

Lady Gaga doing the National Anthem. Interesting choice. However, she was phenomenal. She is the best one to have ever done this. Seeing Marlee Matilin sign it was just incredible as well.

Carolina Panthers kick off to the Denver Broncos. I wish they would determine who kicks off with a good old fashioned game of rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock.

Why do these games always look like West Side Story meets Jerry Springer meets a game of Red Light Green Light?

WTF with this Marilyn Monroe Snickers commercial?

OK, this Rubix Cube commercial with the aliens and Scott Baio is pretty adorable, but I have no clue how it is selling avocados.

3-0 Denver so far.

Now they look like they are playing tag.

Cam Newton is pretty hot.

What the hell with this commercial with the Jeffersons theme song and reincarnation of Thomas Jefferson? It is a clever way to sell apartments, but all it did was make me hungry for pie.

What is that big orange thing they are dragging across the field? It reminds me of those floppy guys in front of stores to promote a sale.

Now we are back to commercials! Nothing actually happened, so I guess we need a word from our sponsors?

This Doritos commercial…what in actual hell was that?

We are in the first quarter, it is NOT almost time for the halftime show, but thanks for playing! Past, present and future? Is some artist visiting from the future and performing? Is someone coming back from the dead? I want answers!

They are making a live action Jungle Book? What next? A live action Bambi? WTF?

Is that dude on the Panthers attempting the hand jive? Sadly, it was better than the Grease Live hand jive.

Incomplete pass!

Is this football or wrestling?

That taco thing from Taco Bell made me want to vomit.

Is he skipping across the field?

TOUCHDOWN FOR BRONCOS!!!

9-0 BRONCOS

That tackle looked like they were attempting to hug and then steal the ball.

Broncos got an extra point! 10-0

Dogpile to steal the ball from the Panthers!

Broncos are like nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah…I got the ball!

Whoa….holy fight, Batman! Are you sure this is football and not Jerry Springer? Or WWE?

Unsportsmanlike conduct….damn….someone’s in trou-ble!!! I thought the fight was going to end up worse had someone not intervened

Whenever they line up to do a kick off, it looks like some sort of You Got Served dance off.

Now we are just chasing each other and tackling the dude with the ball.

FLAG!! Ruh-roh! 10 yard penalty, first yard Carolina.

End of 1st quarter: 10-0 Broncos

Matt Damon is to the Bourne series as Tom Cruise is to Mission Impossible.

Second quarter and we already have a 5 yard penalty.

HEY, come back here with my ball, you can’t score!!!

This just looks like a bunch of overgrown kindergartners from Recess playing tag.

Cam Newton goes to the right….again, is this football or is he going to break out into the cha cha slide?

Do-si-do and throw your partner! Seriously, what the hell was that and we should know grabbing the face mask is a big no no! Someone is in trouble again!!! Personal foul penalty.

Touchdown for Carolina, giving them 6 points.

A hand jive and a secret handshake from Carolina? This might be the coolest thing ever! Also, that is how the hand jive SHOULD be done, Grease Live!!!

Another flag! Referees discuss what happened and come to a decision.

This is more exciting than a rose ceremony!

Offside 5 yard penalty. Stewart has been flagged 3 times.

Highlights so far:

Extra point for Carolina.

No time out, but Carolina is out of challenges. Call was also overturned.

3rd straight 3 and out for the Broncos.

Another flag…I just think of this…

Another 5 yard penalty.

The penalty cost Denver 14 yards.

Every time they say Aaron Brewer, I think they are saying KAREN Brewer from The Baby-Sitters Club and get confused.

Denver was tackled before scoring a touchdown.

Body slam!

Nice porn-stache, random dude!

Broncos now have 3 first downs.

13-7 Broncos!

Unnecessary roughness for the Broncos. Damn, what is going on with them tonight?

Nice attempted retaliation from Michael Oher.

Awesome recovery from Denver.

Interception!! That was awesome, Carolina!
Another incomplete for Denver.

So glad Penn State is being represented in this game. Way to go, Jordan Norwood with that punt return!

What the hell with all these flags? This time it is for a false start and a 5 yard penalty.

Cam just called a time out for Carolina.

That was the longest play tonight for Carolina.

These commentators seem to be in love with Cam Newton.

18 seconds remaining, another time out, what will happen?

Another incomplete pass with 11 seconds remaining.

Cam Newton is on the ground!

End of 2nd 13-7 Broncos.

Halftime show!!! I am so confused as to what is happening right now. Are they attempting to mosh, do a marching band and make me dizzy all at the same time? Holy brightness, Batman!!

Now lets spin in circles! All this motion is giving me a migraine.

I feel like I should be doing an Irish jig to this music.

Is this a flower power theme?

Beyonce is twerking and marching at the same time. All righty, then!

Interesting dance off.

No, seriously, what the hell is going on? This is so confusing.

Oh, how I miss the 2001 halftime show. That is the best one of all time.

Okay, the montage of past shows is pretty awesome.
We have to believe in love. That is this year’s message. Thank you.
You’re welcome? Thanks for letting me watch….whatever the hell that was.

3rd quarter.

That was the longest play from either team tonight.
Back to playing tag for that incomplete pass.
15 yard penalty for unnecessary roughness. What the hell is going on with this tonight?
These commentators remind me of these guys.

Another time out? While we do that, we get commentary saying Cam didn’t get extra treatment during halftime for what happened when he was on the ground.

Instant replay!

Anndddd…..the Cam love fest continues.

Nice recovery by Michael Oher.

We have another incomplete.

They look like two little kids fighting over a toy with that ball.

Another flag…I should have a drinking game every time we have a flag or incomplete pass.

Neutral zone infraction for Carolina.

3 more points for Denver! 16-7!

Interception by TJ Ward!

I’ve got a nice view of the Broncos’s asses. No wonder Cartman’s mom loved them in 1989.

Aww, the sheep commercial! Sheep are in, I suppose.

Another incomplete. That slide thing was hilarious.

Game delay! The Denver linebacker might have a concussion. I hope he is ok!

Newton down for the 22? Not sure what that means.
End of the 3rd….16-7 Broncos.

4th quarter….this game seems to be taking forever….this is the Super Bowl that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started watching it not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue watching it forever just because this is the Super Bowl that never ends….

Taking bets now, which one of these players will end up on Dancing With The Stars in March?

Another flag! This time for a false start by Carolina. What did Michael Oher do?

Three more points for Carolina, nailed it from 39 yards down!

Score: 16-10 Broncos

Thanks for playing some Queen after the craziness that was the halftime show!

Are we already planning for Super Bowl 100? I’ll be 83 then!

Ok, let’s just run around now and make it look like we are playing a game. It reminds me of the Big Bang Theory where they all chased Sheldon for stealing the Indiana Jones film.

Are these two commentators wearing the exact same suit with different shirts and ties?

Another false start? ::HEADDESK::

A montage of tackles. All righty, then!

Thank you, Helen Mirren, you go, Helen Mirren! I love you for this PSA on drunk driving.

No Budweiser Clydesdales? WTF? This completely RUINED my night!

Five more minutes….another time out.

TJ Ward picks up the ball and….they do it again…except nothing actually happened, so thanks for the unnecessary hype, commentary dudes!

Another flag for defense holding.

Another touchdown for the Broncos! 22-10!

This is looking good for what could be Peyton Manning’s last ever game!

Two point attempt….but first we need to review that touchdown.

Touchdown confirmed. Now let’s see about that 2-point attempt.

YES!! It worked. 24-10!

Is Newton throwing a temper tantrum on the field?

I’m just going to pose with the ball….

Every time I hear Manning’s name, I think of Todd Manning on One Life To Live.

Aw, everyone is congratulating Peyton Manning.

I’m glad he won for his last game of his career.

This is just so sweet and amazing.

Gatorade fight!

DENVER BRONCOS WIN 24-10!!!!

200 wins for Peyton Manning!

Good for you, Peyton Manning, you go Peyton Manning!

He is so happy and I love that he wants to kiss his wife and kiddos….and have a Budweiser. I am so happy for him and if this is his last game, I am happy he went off on a high note.